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BLOG - ER Ramachandran

Friday, December 24, 2010

A Tale of Two Letters!


David Cameron
Prime Minister of England
10 Downing Street

Dear Mr. Cameron,

Thank you for your recent visit. Among other things, I liked your views on Indian cricket and how much Sachin Tendulkar has contributed to World cricket.

Whenever I am free, I think of Sachin’s stats which is even more mind- boggling than India clocking 9% growth rate year after year.

This is the season for communication all over the world. While the Wikileaks are making the diplomats look like world’s first ‘double-agents’ , in India we have the so called ‘Radia tapes’ in which Businessmen, Corporate PROs, print and electronic journalists along with local political parties were freely selecting candidates for my cabinet!

Looking at the seemingly insurmountable problems India faced after independence I had heard that our first Prime Minister Jawaharlal Nehru wanted Lord Mountbatten to take India back to its fold.. I don’t know how far it is true.. but I can very well imagine as I am going through a similar phase myself.

I am surrounded by too many scams day and night.. There are no solutions in sight; even our parliament didn’t function this winter session..

To put it bluntly can Britain consider taking back India..? Don’t be surprised or shocked.. I have thought this over like any economics problem and I can vouch it for you it will work. It will be a ‘win-win’ situation for both India and UK.

Let me put down the likely scenario.

1. Kashmir Problem can be solved straightaway.. you started it and now you can do whatever you want to do with it.

2. You will have the economy growing at 9% as against a measly 2.8 %.Gin and tonic will become affordable again.

3. We also have a Sitting Royalty complete with a full complement of a family. So succession won’t be a problem.

4. No doubt your cricket team is doing well against Australia…. But with Sachin in your team imagine where he can take your team….

5. We have experts who can arrange ‘Queen’s baton programme’ at a moment’s notice even though it will cost your Exchequer lot of money.

6. Vedanta can come back and stay permanently in India. Vedanta will be the ‘New East India Company’ for re-entry of Britain to India! I will ask Jayaram Ramesh to leave Vedanta alone and concentrate on the stinking Cooum River in Chennai, which like the DMK Party needs thorough cleansing.

7. When you entered India, different kingdoms in the country like Mysore, Rajasthan, Hyderabad, Kashmir etc were ruled by Maharajas. We have replaced them with new Maharajas whom we call as Governors. The Governors, who are merely Agents of the Government at Centre are more costly to keep but can be sacked at a moment’s notice.

8. We don’t have somebody like Prince Philip making comments that puts you all in awkward situations. However, I have a senior colleague in my party.. Digvijay Singh who is as good as Prince Philip, if not better.

9. I know in your country people are questioning the facilities given to the Royalty and would like to take it back.. They even broke the glass of the car they were traveling last week over tuition fees raise. You will find it refreshingly better here.. people give the Royalty whether they ask or not.. Even cases of their relatives are dropped because of the deep love and affection people have for them.

10. Finally , your queen and her family may want a little bit of sunshine as you have had an extremely terrible winter… Our Royalty can go over to England which will also take them closer home to Italy.

Hope to receive your reply at the earliest after which we can initiate the process.

Yours friendly economist,

Manmohan Singh

Prime Minister of India


Dear Manmohan Singhji,

I had learnt to add Ji to Indian names last time when I came there. I didn’t know it would bounce into such a major scam by adding one more G.

When your letter came I had gone to No 9 and 11 Downing Street to enquire whether the place was available for rent. I am not sure how long I will last here at No. 10.

I was about to send you a letter asking whether India could take over Britain with all its problems as well as our Royalty. We both seem to be having similar problems.

We both need some solutions. Quickly.

Now in the changed circumstances, I reckon both of us need new jobs.

The only one I can think of is: I understand the contract of your cricket coach Garry Kirsten from South Africa is soon getting over..

Since I have played cricket at Oxford and I am a fan of Indian team, if you can influence your colleague Sharad Pawar and get me the job as Indian cricket coach, I would be most grateful. To get this job, do I have to contact any PRO? Let me know.

I can put in a word to the chancellor of London school of Economics, Her Majesty and arrange your appointment as Director of LSE. You don’t need any PRO. My word will do.

This, I believe, is the best solution for both of us.


David Cameron