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BLOG - ER Ramachandran

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Terror Noose Channel!

Take it Easy!

With dedicated channels already for Sports, Music, Food etc., it won’t be surprising if a dedicated News Channel for Terror comes on the airways soon. A peek at the sample News

This is the Terror Channel Hq , Here’s the Zero Hour Noose:

First the bullets:

• Government presents its 5-year Terror Policy
• R& D for Terror will be strengthened.
• Experts lend a hand in Training
• Terror Tourism takes shape
• World’s best Terror Exporter
• Weather

The Noose in detail:

The Minister for Terror Affairs XXX dressed in bullet-proof jacket presented Government’s 5-year Terror Policy from his Z++ Bunker to the Parliamentarians. ‘Too many people are claiming responsibility whenever an attack takes place. Nobody really knows who is behind a particular strike’ the Minister added. The new comprehensive policy plans to bring Taliban, LeT , Harkat-ul-Mujahidin, Jaish-e- Mohammed, Jamaat ud Dawah and some Government Agencies, under a New Terror Umbrella. The Minister was confident that United States which has been approached would as usual finance the whole project after their Senate passes it unanimously.

Addressing the oft- repeated criticism that ‘three to four terror incidents in a week is peanuts’, the Minister promised a new policy of ‘ hit a day’ with immediate effect. There will be an improvement both in quality and quantity, he assured the members. However, to achieve this, he warned, they may have to approach the EU and World Bank for additional finance.


Government will not lag behind in coming out with new weapons, said a spokesperson. Speaking on conditions of anonymity she said guns, grenades, ammos, AK47s and 57s, petrol bombs are easily sniffed by sniffer dogs. Car bombs fail to start at crucial times. If we do not find immediate steps to overcome such problems, dog days await us. This should be taken as a new challenge at our R& D Centers, she warned.


With so many attacks going on everyday, our country is ideal for promoting Terror Tourism which will help us to earn foreign Exchange. It is planned to call the ace Bollywood Producer- Director from India who took his Chief Minister once for terror tourism will be invited here to for the inaugural. Practically all our major cities are excellent Terror Tourism Centres. Some of the places already identified are our major hotels, Army Hq., Bus Depots, Army silos, Hospitals, cricket stadia, schools etc. These will be preserved as heritage places. Soon a Director for Terror Tourism will be appointed to promote Tourism.


Terror channel is happy to report ace terror specialists will come to our studio and give training in preparing bombs, triggering attacks using mobile phones, how to throw grenades from a moving bus etc. Specialists who are unfairly arrested due to international pressure will directly come from judicial custody to our studio and train youngsters who are keen to enter this profession. If our studio gets blown during hands-on training, we will temporarily operate from a ripped school or damaged Army Hq.


We continue to be regarded as the Best Terror Exporter and we just have no competition! The only that can set us back is complacency. Recognizing this, the President has set up a committee to explore new countries where we can scout and start exporting our products on a regular basis.


The weather has been a spoilsport last 3 months. Our R& D has planned to make water-proof bombs, grenades and matchboxes so essential for our line of activity. The raincoats too need pouches which are waterproof so that the goodies work even when they are wet and spongy.

It has been either raining or snowing in most countries which is a huge dampener for most activities including ours. We hope sun will show up soon so that we can liven up a bit and do some action at Airports, Hotels or at least our own Army dump yard.

That’s the end of the Zero hour Noose.

ERR ……….


  • Just saw another form of terror on the TV news this evening, that of some Manoos guys in Mumbai beating up IBN staff using camera tripods! I wonder where we are going as an intolerant nation having myopic regional aspirations.

    By Blogger Capt. Anup Murthy, at 5:35 AM  

  • LOL!

    but then the Media has indeed started something similar and is getting enough and more TPR's..in Kerala each channel has different names.. while Asianet calls it "FIR" the other channels have similar names and contents.. and each compete to bring the gory and blood to the viewers...

    By Blogger Happy Kitten, at 11:55 PM  

  • Thank you catain. We are busy fighting internally while a would-be-terrorist goes all over India where he is dined and wined by leading socialites and film people. so much for our intelligence gathering!

    By Blogger ER Ramachandran, at 6:16 AM  

  • Thank you happy kitten.
    While it is true media tries any trick to improve their sacred 'TRPs', nobody has a right to bash up journalists or anybody for that matter and then claim it was a 'spontaneous' reaction. If the hoodlums are dumped in the slammer for few days, their spontanity will vanish. But who will cut them to size?

    By Blogger ER Ramachandran, at 6:20 AM  

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